Rebuilding and Redefining Life After Loss - With Yemi Majekodunmi

Hello and welcome to the podcast Building Confidence. My name is Sue Reed and I am your host. In this podcast, I discuss a topic relating to the area of confidence with a guest every week, and so, with no further ado, let's jump in. Yemi Majekodunmi has worked as a mental health social care manager for over 27 years, but currently she's working with widows that are in transition. She helps them uncover the beauty to still be found in the world after loss, and this project emerged from Yemi's own personal loss, when she created her new vision and dream from her adversity. Yemi is now a life and grief coach. She's also the author of the e-book Walking Out of Widowhood, which can be found on Amazon, and she does have other self-published material that she's done, which is on her website, walkingoutofwidowhoodcom, and I'll put that in the show notes Now. Her e-book, walking Out of Widowhood offers a synopsis of Yemi's own journey after losing her husband, and it provides tools on how to establish a new and thriving life after the loss of a spouse. So Yemi's also got her own podcast, which is called Widow Recovery Secrets, and she uses that to give hope and encouragement. She's also offering one-to-one coaching, group coaching, and this is for widows, but also for single women over the age of 40. So welcome to the show, yemi, it's lovely to have you, thank you. Thank you for having me soon. No problem at all, it's lovely to see you. So the first question I always ask, as you know, is what would you say your definition of confidence would be?

My definition of confidence has varied over the years, but from the top of my head I would say confidence is believing I can do what I can do wherever, whatever stage I am in my life. However, confidence varies, it has its waves, it has its ups and its downs, depending on what situation you're finding yourself in at a particular moment in time.

Yes, yeah, absolutely right, and I think you know, especially when you come to things like bereavement, because you can be the most confident person in the world but something like that happens and it can just, you know, destroy you in an instant. So there's a question in there that's just come into my head when something like that happens, any like sudden trauma that maybe you weren't expecting, and it's a shock obviously to the system, does having a strong self-confidence then help, or is that completely irrelevant? Do you think?

I think, with me because I'm a woman of faith. Yeah, so I'm a Christian. So I believe my confidence is not just built literally on confidence, it's fueled by my faith. So when I say my faith in believing, there's something greater that would always empower my journey in whatever I face. So confidence, so in knowing that, no matter what I go through, I would be able to overcome in spite. So I might be crying today and devastated, but it's always part of my inner most being, which, in a sense, in a physical sense, can be defined as confidence. But what fuels that confidence is the faith that the God I believe in will see me through. Sometimes people don't, are not in faith, might not understand it, but I always try and explain so wherever I face. When I lost my husband, for example, of course I was shocked. Even the way he died was a shock, you know, and everything. But there was always an inner part of me that had to see beyond what was happening, and that's what that's so about. I think it's my faith and now it's my faith that ties into that confidence that I was able to see beyond my immediate circumstances, which was that I want to be defeated by this. That's why I said to myself I can't be defeated by his loss. Yeah, you know so, I don't know if you're so. That's how I saw, that's how I saw my journey and that's how I continue to see it.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm guessing you know that faith must have really helped you at that point in time.

Yes, and you continue to do so, because I'm walking as a widow. It's not an easy journey, even when you are faith. It's not because no matter how much faith you have in the God, in God, you have to live in a physical world. So as much as people believe, I have a faith. It's a spiritual person of faith. Yes, you share with people, but people might not catch it until they're ready to understand this or open enough. So the bottom line is the confidence that you walk in insights is Because we live in a physical world. So so even when Marsman died, I love her, does I have to go through? But through each one I sort of did the practical stuff and then Believe that I will see myself through. However, I must say another thing that filled my confidence was because I've walked in the field of mental health over 27 years and I've done a lot of work with people who are quite vulnerable. Those tools also I applied to my journey and I thought anyone that strength my confidence because I've seen people from being traumatized in hospital, people losing open down skin, them to come to my day center or through them therapeutically and then they Normal life. So I, so I've seen that in the physical also, so that's what engineered my confidence as well. Yeah, like those scans.

Yeah, yeah. So any Trauma you you come to, and obviously bereavement is a huge loss because there's there's no going back from it. You know you cannot bring the person back, whatever happens, but Having a like, almost like a toolkit to it, resources that you can rely on and pull out at those moments. But I suppose it's also having that, I guess, confidence for better, for one's of a better word, to be able to Open your toolbox. Because again, you know, if you're falling apart, you can have all the resources in the world, but you may not think how to use them because you've maybe you've been dealing with other people, like in a Situation where you've always dealt with other people's issues and now you have your own issue.

Yeah, that's. That's a very valid point actually, and what that made me think about also is, besides our faith and confidence, there's the power also. Like for me, I was very close to my dad from the day I was born. He always believed me, so there was always a part of that, even before I became a strong Christian, just if I don't believe that I could do well was also a major feel for my confidence as a child. So you say that also. So I think that's where that energy and confidence comes from that no matter what I'm gonna do, I'm able to look and do my research. So I was. I was talking to a lady on my podcast yesterday and I was saying, for example, I've always found, no matter what new stage I'm going to in my life, because it's new, I want to have my children. Before I went to do my research, I read about it and I was still a woman of faith by stupidly, this power in Learning, you know, and just going out and get the book. So you might be rooted in that as well. But I do believe there's a confidence also comes from how your childhood was as well. It's a very there's a very foundational stones as well Keys, because I've met people, even in faith, that I still not very confident. But they don't tell God, they know God. Am I making sense?

Absolutely yes, yeah, yeah, yeah and yeah, I think I mean well, I think, childhood. There is so much that you pick up in childhood and some of it obviously is good and some of it is gonna be bad, and and the problem is because children take everything literally. So if you tell a small child that they are useless and they're never going to amount to anything, that is what they will grow up believing. So yeah, but going back to what you're doing now than the widowhood, so You've you lost your husband? I believe that was nine years ago. No, it's gonna be ten years in December, so just under yes yeah, so 10, 10 years this year, and so obviously that's, you know, very traumatic time. You said your faith helped you to deal with it and your, your own confidence. But a lot of Women and men in those circumstances would Try and pick up their own life and then just carry on. But you decided at some point I'm gonna use what, what I know, what's my journey, to help other people. What made you decide that?

What made me decide. I also ties it with my faith, Because when I so, I did as well. When I was in Osborne, I took time off, work and this is all these things I tell people when I was helping people. Anyways, I took at least I think I was off for six months. So in my time of going for walks, I felt an inner feeling Thanks. I felt the title of my book came from within me, and it was this intuition that said I need to start walking out of widowhood. You know so it was like spiritual intuition. So that was around a month, just over a month. So, even though you say it was a spiritual intuition, I started to have this hope that I would see myself, I would be able to see myself through this and as I continued. And then I had a mate, a woman, who started to walk alongside me. We became friends but she had survived widowhood for at least, I think, five years or so, five or six years. But I remember one day we were going out as well and I also felt to tell her that she needs to start walking out of widowhood because she was doing her best, actually doing well, but there was a path. Path was a path of our heart that not healed from the loss either. So he always used to come up in my intuition, that phrase walking out of widowhood. And then at one point I felt he was also. He links to taking off my sackcloth. So taking off your sackcloth also implied in the Bible. If you look at the Bible, there's a path where the reference is made. It means he links to walking out of widowhood. That meaning you're not meant to mourn like someone who has no hope. So when you have hope in Christ, yes, weeping would last, we'll last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. So, no matter how bad it is and no matter how your healing is going to be, no matter how long you have to believe, your joy will come also. Yeah, so from that. So that meant with that vehicle of hope and being able to express yourself in my writing. But the turning point to help others came when it was one year and I was going to pass. I remember we had the memorial for him and I remember looking back at everyone thinking, well, I'm still here after one year. Oh my God, I've survived. Wooh, hey. But from that moment that's where the purpose came from, I think. I think that's where it came. So after the one year I've started writing my book because I saw that I've survived one year, so there's no reason why I shouldn't be inside the circle yet. Lord, yeah. But I went to one event. I went to a women's Christian event and when I was there as well, I felt, also because I'd always been searching because of my line of work. You get to a point where you start to think what do you want to do by setting it in your career? Because I'd done a lot in my work and the only way I could see was my next stage of self-affirming would be to work for myself. So even before the loss and after, I was always sectioned what can I do? That will tie with my job to work I've done over my years and when I was in this meeting I just felt oh, I've got a button who goes, I should use my story to serve other people. And that's where that came from. So I just had that down and then when COVID came, I started to set things in place. I started setting up my company. I'd written all the mission statements and everything and, yeah, that's where it started really. But my focus was I wanted to do it in the sense that, because my situation was quite a nightline, I knew the parameters of women I walk with can be people who are still very hurt, because it would be like what I'm saying to them will not resonate. They will be thinking, yeah, what's she going on about? I couldn't be talking to her walking out of the door spiritually. So I always felt people would have had to walk that journey at least two to three years and just then it doesn't mean they're not hurting, but by then they started to think what do I want to do with myself? I'm now obviously, the shock is over. We obviously single. So that's where I walk from the fact that what do you want to do? How are you going to reinvent yourself? There might be a need to change career. There might not be my want to move out and I want to decorate your house, all those things. That's what I tend to focus on. The way forward, yeah, and you're yeah.

Yeah, because I mean, I guess, depending on how long you've been married, the first thought would be like who am I now? I've been part of this couple, we've created this life together and now it's just me. So what you're doing is saying, ok, it's just you, but who are you now? Who do you want to be? Because you can now recreate your life. So what do you want it to look like?

And it's interesting because when I was there, the lady I spoke to on my podcast and I was saying the same thing to her and she said, yeah, that's what saved her life, but she was in therapy and that's what one of the she was stuck for so long and then the therapy said to her her surname was Miss Jay. Miss Jay, what was it you'd love to do before you ever met your husband? And she remembered he was barely dancing and that's what saved her. So everywhere she's doing that now, isn't that so? Because we do need something to save her, because at one point I was talking about purpose and because what some people think is too strong in the world, because people are still recovering or in grief. But when that lady told me because I'd been explaining that but when you're writing you can't write so much in certain contexts, so you have to put the word purpose, for Purpose was never in the world. When that lady explained it to me, that's what I've been trying to tell people that you were something before your knee, your dreams and vision before you met your husband, and this is what saved a lot of women. I would say it's like God gives you a new joy. It's not new, but in this season now it's been new because you've left the dormant for so many years. But that might be just what will save your life from this devastation. Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I imagine and especially and I can see why you would wait for a few years before coaching a widow, because in the early years it's very difficult to think well, I don't want to do anything else, I'm just hurting so much. And why are you asking me? Because I imagine there'd be some guilt around. Well, I've got to grieve, I'm a widow, I've got to act like a widow. I can't act like somebody because people think that I didn't care.

So I can see why the early years would have been like this and there's so many emotions because what I've come across I didn't necessarily think. In the Western society, if you're talking to people in a developed world or wherever we want to define it, the emphasis is more on shame, and the shame takes the form of the outcome. I wasn't able to save my husband and everyone else's got their husband more. So that, and it's not just the anger where people think, why did they leave? We committed to stay to the longer it left me. It's not rational, but people go through that. You know that's the field. Am I going to raise the student on my own? It's not always just the financial. Financial is a big one, but even when you set to your finances, there's still the fact that you never plan to be single parents. So that means every decision you make, you're making it by yourself and you're taking the responsibility. Fair enough, we have a system that you build. One thing I always said is good to have good people around you, so that's why that would come in when you only make a decision. At least if you know people like good people and wise people, you can confer on people who've been on the journey. So there's a lot of issues there. Whilst, when I interview people in the African continent, that bit about what people say is a very big thing. What people say it's your fault, you killed your husband, blame they love so many cakes. Things that didn't even exist, that people were telling me on my podcast, Wow yeah so that's it, so it's a very complex situation. And it's like even when people are, when you've lost yours. There's so many things you have to deal with, even though you're devastated. You have to continue eating. They have to go to school. You have to tell people. I remember when my husband died. There's so many things I had to do but thank God I'd always multitasked in my job. I was able to think of the school therapy, everything I did when I streamlined my work with my clients. Then I was able to apply to myself. I was able to make notes, get counseling. Source these things you know, it's just amazing. So that's what ties with confidence, because what we've done as a natural thing in our career, we've built our confidence as well, because I had the reference points.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so that helped, yeah. So when you do, for example, you want one coaching what sort of things do you do with a lady you deal with? I mean, you've said about redefining your life, so what is it? A step by step on.

Yeah, we do a lot of things, but what I find is, if you look on my profile, I put widows and single women. But I get a lot of single women who come to me as well, and these could be people who have had a broke supplement relationship or whatever. When I walk to widows, people basically come as they are and share what they're going through at that moment in time, because there's a lot of her secondary issues as well, you know. But a lot what comes up a lot is relationships, you know, like dating. Maybe they're dating someone now or they want to date, but they're not sure if they're really ready, you know. And then I tend to some people about therapy, because it does help you to have some counseling. Yeah, so I lean into those emotions, you know. So there's all that. So sometimes there's can be a bit of a blur, but when I pick up there needs to be more therapy, I say to them I will refer you to you need to do more therapy, you know. But I've met people who dating it could be. So one last, the last client was a lady who was already sweaty, was dating, but she'd she came along from a good few years ago. She was somewhere in my podcast or in formalities to contact me online. So I used to meet with her and give her free sessions so it built a level of trust. So by the time I did coaching she'd already settled to a certain level and seen someone. I think they're now engaged. So she, and then, because she has a young family, the issues around the new family coming on, as I was an out, and that's what makes our present in those which she was very close with. Yeah, so there's like it's how you are, but people would say they will share something. And because I've already walked the journey as well, there's certain things you pick up like there's always an undercurrent, so you click, playing it back. You do a lot of reflections. If you people say I'm just letting them talk is very person centered, you know, but it's also I tend to direct, sometimes as well. If it looks like they're not saying anything, so I might throw a question in to stay there, and then that makes them open up. But the key is people don't open up to you or even do want to coach them. If they have a little bit of trust, absolutely, and you have to go out and keep talking and I think the podcast helps me as well. But the group sessions are different, because when you do groups you're covering like a topic on fear, so it can be quite interactive, you know, and then people tend to rub off each other because people are. So if you, if you're going to go everywhere, was excited people, those are be quiet, inspired by it and then gradually open up. I find one to one gets small results, depending on what you want. That group and then some benefit from books because they're not confident yet to do one to one.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And then they can kind of bounce off each other, yeah, yeah, and even get a community of support from the group, yeah.

So what's the best way of contacting you then, that being your website?

Yes, you can call. I'm on all the social media, but you can contact me at HTTPS column forward slash, forward slash, walkingoutofvideocom. Okay, yeah, and on Instagram. When you go on my social media, I was around there. Yeah, you can find on LinkedIn as well, Like, if you type in my name, my name will come up.

Yeah, Okay, I shall put that in the show notes. Then all the ways to find you. So yeah, so you're doing really good work. Are you still working in the mental health? No, no, no.

Who really. I spent a full time from my last day of my last job was in the 31st of May, so now I'm in full time and it's been. There's a lot of work, but I get to go out and network more. So I get to meet like-minded people who have been started the journey of a further head of the business. So I went to the Northeast London Business Expo last weekend and I met you, meet so many people else. There's only one lady I met that gave me so many pointers about to leverage one particular website and social media and I don't need to keep going up and down. But when I left the head, I thought to myself it depends on what your business is. My business is very emotional. You know your day of people's emotions. So when you're on a professional platform and you're writing policies and stuff, it's different, isn't it? So when I so that's like go to law practice, I go, and I've got Facebook groups where they are basically videos. You know Instagram. I get videos that follow me on my podcast. So I can't just stay on one platform really. Am I making sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, I was going to ask you it wasn't really a question, it was a comment that when we were talking about dating when my, my late brother died and my sister-in-law was very young, the one big problem she found was that a lot of her female friends because they'd been friends in couples so my, my brother and sister-in-law had lots of friends who were couples. The women didn't want to know her anymore because I think they had this fear that she would now take their husbands or something like that. But she said there was like a huge proportion of her friends that were joint friends, were very, very wary of her, which was quite bizarre really. Yes, yes.

It's interesting, sir, because the lady I interviewed recently she was saying something similar. But why learn from that, though? There's two things. After Marsden died, I remember going to an evening dinner in church. It was a really nice Christmas meal and we all dressed up and obviously people came as couples, and I remember walking into that hall and I put the first time since my loss I saw myself officially as a single woman, and I could understand what your doctor in law is saying, because that was number one. But I used to think to myself too, now that I've worked in 10 years, I believe when that happens, when people are, I think your season changes. So when people are withdrawing from you, it creates room for those that need to come inside, come along side you, because friends and not cannot help you now because they've never experienced it. Then you never know until you walk those journey you mean and I don't know where she is now, but I'm sure in reflection she might see that now that new people have come in to help her- but she's remarried now, so now she's got a new set of friends.

I guess she's moved away, so I don't see it very much. So, anyway, it's been lovely talking to you, lots and lots of good advice there and yeah. So thanks so much and good luck with everything in the future. It sounds like you're doing really good work and well needed. Thank you. Thank you, you're welcome. Thank you so much for listening today and your continuous, continued support. Please come back next week for a new episode. You could also subscribe if you want to, and then you won't miss any future episodes, and you could also follow me on Instagram at suread1905. Thank you.