Raising Confident Kids : Time, Love and Attention With Steffen Eidem

Hello and welcome to another episode of Building Confidence with me, sue Reed, here to help you build your self confidence by talking to guests every week on a wide variety of topics relating to confidence. Now, as well as hosting this podcast, I am also a confidence coach and writer. I now have a free weekly newsletter called Confidence Matters, and I'll put the details in the show notes in case you're interested. So now, with no further ado, let's jump into the episode. So I have a returning guest this week. Jay Shetty, certified Life Coach Stefan Eidem was my guest for the episode Finding Inner Strength and Self-Confidence as a Parent that was published July the 12th this year, 2023. So Stefan works with millennial parents like himself who want to understand how they can be great parents. Of course, now, that was a really good episode, so if that sounds like something you might be interested in, if you're a parent yourself, then do give it a listen. And this week, though, I've invited Stefan back again because I wanted to talk about the question how can we raise our children to be more self-confident, and so I thought, as Stefan's the expert on the subject, that he would be the best person to have on. So welcome back to the show. Stefan, it's lovely to see you again.

Lovely to see you again as well, sue, and thank you very much for asking me to come back and do an episode, so that's really was a fun message to receive, so thank you for that.

You're welcome Now. Normally when I start off, I ask the question what's your definition of confidence? Which you already answered on the last episode. So rather than ask you that again, I wondered what you would say if I asked you. What you would say was the a good definition of a self-confidence in a child?

For me, that would be a child that's not afraid to try new things and not afraid to give it their all and not worry about failing or making a mistake. You know, like a little go getter. Basically they want to try their goal, regardless of what it is really, whether it's a new activity or, you know, they want to go explore something adventurous or along those lines like join in with another group of children that are playing and not worry about not being accepted and, you know, not being allowed to play. Basically, yeah, and also a child that's not afraid to speak their minds and tell their parents if they don't agree with their, their decisions or the rules or whatever it is. As a parent, that might be might be frustrating at times, but it's a great sign that your child is standing up for themselves and and you know, argued their case a little bit. These kinds of things.

So does York's. I know you've got a daughter who must be uh six now, I'm guessing.

Five.

Five yeah. So does she tell you when, when she doesn't agree with you, and how?

do you react to that? Oh yeah, she does not always in the most diplomatic way, but I'm amazed at how good is she at arguing her case and making points as to why we should do something one way rather than the way I say it, and and I think that is, yeah, it's fantastic. And quite often I say, oh right, yeah, let's try your way. Then and we usually guess the same results, and also with the added bonus of not being any arguing or any crying or anger or anything like that, so we get to the goal together in a way. And yeah, definitely it can be frustrating at times when you know if I'm feeling stressed or rushed or something like that, and but it's great, it's great fun.

Yeah, I was gonna. I was gonna ask you actually because, would you say? Because, like a lot of you know, parents get stressed. They come home from work. They just want to get things done. Get things, you know. Have the tea, get ready for bed, get into bed. So if you've got a child arguing with you, telling you why they think perhaps they should stay up when it's bedtime, that can be pretty frustrating. So do you? Do you think your, your daughter, is the way she is because that's her personality or because that's the way she's been brought up?

Probably a bit of both, I think, because I I think giving her that wiggle room or that leeway to argue her case by I guess she's learned from me telling her why we do things the way we do things and are we going to go? You know, after dinner we're going to go brush our teeth and, you know, get ready for bed because of blah, blah, blah, and then you know she's seen that and she's taken from that and, yes, she's using it in her own way. So, yeah, I definitely think it's a bit both there. So children.

Like you know, when a baby's born, obviously a baby's got no concept of confidence or not confident. But a baby growing up has to be confident because they have so much They've got to learn that. You know, if they didn't have confidence then as soon as they fell over once they'd say, oh, I can't do this, and give up.

I can't feed myself.

I keep getting it everywhere. So they need to have confidence, so they have to learn to walk, they have to learn to talk, they have to feed themselves. Blah, blah, blah, carry on. At what point does that start to go? What do you think?

To be honest, I'm not really sure I haven't looked into that much, but I would imagine when they are capable of doing those sort of the basic things for survival like feed themselves, walk and and these kinds of things, I think then they're open to so much more that they can try and they can do. And my hunch tells me that's where that will potentially start. And also, I think often they don't. When they get to, say, toddler age, they might not have as much attention from their parents of, you know, encouraging them to take that first step or encouraging them to say their first word. Or, you know, take that, have their first bite of a banana or wherever it is. Yeah, so yeah, it might be around around. Then I would just guess yeah, I'm sure there's someone who knows.

Yeah, yeah, I guess you know you get to a certain age, like two or three, like, say, when you're a toddler, where you are starting to test the boundaries, you're starting to feel your way and what can I get away with and what?

Yeah, yeah.

Where do I have to draw the line? So you know there would be a little bit of pushback.

Yeah.

And I guess if the parent then is saying you can't do that, oh, you know, don't, don't do that, you're so annoying, you know. And oh, you can't do anything right, I think this is the type of words that we use and, you know, no blame to any parent, because I've done it myself time after time but we use words like you can't do that, you are stupid, why are you doing that? Why are you so naughty? You can't get anything right. And these are the types of things that slowly chip away at confidence.

Yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah. So, yeah, just imagine an adult being told that they're, you know, stupid or incompetent. You can't do this because of X, y, z or yeah. It would be the same for kids, if not more. So this is so much more receptive from a parent. So, yeah, language is definitely something to be aware of how we, how we say these things.

Yeah. So what would be some tips then? So say, because when we have a child we don't get an instruction manual with them. They come without instruction manuals and sometimes it's very difficult to know what to do. And I don't think there's any right way or wrong way, but there are some things that if we kind of try and keep them in mind, we can help our children to become more self confident. But first of all, before you answer that, why is that a good thing? Why do we want our children to be self confident anyway?

Just in general life, there'll be more keen on trying new things, they won't be as afraid of making mistakes or failing in their I'll give that case in a standard ground and you Fight for what they believe in. In sense, they feel free to be their own authentic self, which I think is huge. And it's the same sort of benefits that is for us adults if we have High self-esteem or more confidence, that we feel less stress and anxiety, depression. You know, you don't have that fear of All that need to fit in with the crowd. In a sense, you just and I think, just in general a high quality of life. Basically, I feel better in our skin and and and feel proud of ourselves and all these good things like this. Endless benefits, but it's yeah, that's kind of some of them yeah, and benefits to the world as well.

I guess Child grows up, the stronger and more self confident and asserted they are, the more likely they're going to do good in the in the world. And, you know, really make a difference and become somebody which every that's what every parent wants for their children to be.

you know, to make their mark in the world and stand out In the right yeah, just just just to be them, be themselves and be happy yes yes, if they feel confident in what they do and in their own abilities, and chances are higher that they will be happy and be Comfortable in themselves and and their own abilities. And yeah, from from me as a father, that's very important. It doesn't matter what what she ends up doing, whether she's, I don't know, a doctor or lawyer, or if she's found her happiness working, you know, in the supermarket or doing Doing the bends where, whatever. As long as she's happy and she feel confident with that in what she's doing, and yeah, then that's me. Can't really make wish for more. No, I remember.

I mean things were different when I was young, but I remember, when I was 16, saying to my dad that I wanted to work in a shop. I want to work in a closed shop and be a buyer, and he said that's a rubbish job. You're not doing that, so I didn't.

Yeah, yeah, I still. There's a lot of opportunities doing that. Not everyone's desire is to climb a company ladder or not and that's got. If you're in a second job they don't like and I have been it's, it's not good no it doesn't do much good for us. so, yeah, if you have to be working in a closed shop, then you do that and I think you can bring lots of joy and and and a lot of good to the world. By the way you deal with customers, then, and you know you sharing your passion for something with someone else and that's always, that's always a beautiful thing and it's invigorating. I always feel, and if I go to a, if I go to my food shop, for example, and I meet a person behind the tails, you know that they're smiling, they have been a joyful, they have the ability to change how I feel that day and that's happened not. So I don't think they're any less important than any other kinds of jobs.

No, exactly no huge impact. I never did get to work in a closed shop.

Never too late to always give it a go.

I could go and work in one. Okay, so, yeah. So, going back to the instruction manual then, what are some great tips that parents should be thinking about or practicing with their child to try and ensure that they instill good self confidence in them?

I think that one of the biggest, biggest ones would be to role model it ourselves, because you know they see what we do and they copy what we do good things and bad things and I sure every parent has seen that. They see traits from themselves in their child. So, if we can, if we struggle with confidence or self esteem ourselves, work on that and be that through coach, therapist, you know, talk to a friend or just reading books or however you see to it. But, yeah, work on our own confidence and role, model it to our kids. I think that's probably the most important one. And things like, you know, asking them for help they would with the washing up or carrying groceries, whatever it might be like being allowed in the sense to help an adult. Yeah, that's quite big for a child to to sort of to feel that they are needed in that way as well. Yeah, yeah. And I think, just like what all kids need is time, love and attention. I'm not sure if I said that in previous podcast, but time I'm going to tension. If you can give our kids that, then you know they feel that we, they're valued and that they heard when they're talking. Like we say, crouched down when we talk to them and listen to what they have to say and engage in their conversation and you know, not have a place in the phone and so to say yes, no and rumble, just really pay attention to them. That's really important to them, as it is would be to, to say, an adult.

Yeah, I mean, if you're having a conversation with another adult and they're looking at their phone, it's actually annoying. I think so yeah yeah, yeah exactly, yeah.

Yeah, I'm not criticizing anyone or anything any of you parents. If anyone does that, it happens. The phone is designed to be addictive, so you know it does happen. But yeah, be mindful of that. I think also what you mentioned a little bit a few minutes ago about language, the way we speak, you know, instead of saying you are naughty, for example, or because of something that did, you did something naughty, that we're not labeling our children as something negative. But I often tell my daughter, like good people do bad things. You know, the thing that doesn't make if we do something bad or stupid or silly doesn't make a person bad, stupid or silly. So to me it's important that she understands that. Yeah, so language, the way we talk to ourselves as well, has an effect on our confidence. And if we learn to be a bit more specific in the way we talk to ourselves, say, I used to say if I was having a relaxing day, I'm not doing any like work or anything like that. I call it a lazy day. I didn't mean anything negative about it, it was just a lazy day I thought. But my therapist said I don't like that word lazy, and the more I think about it, yeah, it hasn't got anything positive connected to that word. So, changing that out, I was having a relaxing day. It just feels better, you know, within ourselves. So, yeah, looking at our language, I find it very fascinating and it's so powerful as well, because our brain doesn't know the difference between a joke and what's real. So, yeah, so that's definitely. Something I would say is you can have a huge impact and allowing our kids to do things themselves, like getting dressed themselves up, in a time issue basis. Yeah, it might take a bit longer, but you know, plan for that, or just be late, be a few minutes late. It's not going to be the end of the world usually, unless you miss maybe you have to miss a flight home or something like that but yeah, everything would be annoying, it would be frustrating, but yeah, all within the reason like yeah, just letting them do it themselves house and build confidence. They're learning that new skill and then eventually they'll get better.

Yeah.

And be able to do it quicker.

Yeah. So there is a like a balance between kind of wanting the best for your child, because every parent wants their child to do, do well, but there's also not pushing them and making them feel that they've got to do well, yeah. So how do you get that balance between, like, not letting them get away with not doing anything and just messing about at school, which some children will, with you know, pressurizing them to always be the best, always get top marks? And second is the first failure.

Yeah, yeah. I think that is great to to focus on praising effort rather than give them giving our children praise when they do do their best. So you know, they put a lot of effort into something. It may not doesn't matter whether they come first or fifth or fiftieth, but if they've really tried, then focus on that rather and give them praise for that in anything that they do. I think if my daughter brings home a drawing which she often does multiple every day from school and giving like specific feedback, say on the drawing and stuff, oh wow, they're nice, but it's put in putting in a little bit extra, oh wow, I love how you use, how you use the colors Well, I love how happy everyone looks in that picture, or you know those kinds of things. It is focusing more on specific things that they do. I think that could help them with that feeling of pride and all right, oh, that's something I'm doing well, and that's something I'm doing well, rather than always went outside the line on that one, yeah, or something like that. Yeah, pracing effort is highly important and I think it's something we can do to ourselves as well for our own confidence. You know, if you take a running, for example, you're not going to run a marathon within a week unless you are superhuman, but you can praise yourself for the effort, whether it's it might be in a hard day, a hard run, or you might not have done as well as you did last year when you gave it a go, but at least you went out and give yourself a price for that. Doesn't matter how long and how far you ran, but you got out of breath and you had a good workout. So, yeah, giving that effort is definitely more beneficial to both us and to our kids.

Yeah, definitely, yeah, definitely, and I guess including them as well in what you do. So you know, if you like, if you're washing the car, letting them help you do that, or if you're interested in anything like photography, then you know, maybe your child isn't old enough to take photos, but maybe like a little toy camera just so that they're included too. So that's something you do together, I think that's important that you have something you do together.

That can do and seeing mum or dad trying new things and not being afraid of doing it wrong, that's very inspirational to a child. And then to do anyone really, to see someone not afraid of making a fool of themselves or whatever it's, just going for it. It's very inspirational. I think that's something we all should do more of new things.

There's somebody, scott a child, who is say, for example well, there's two extremes. There's the one who's very shy, who doesn't really mix very well with other children, so maybe prefers to sit on the sidelines, or maybe not prefer it, but is always on the sidelines because they don't have the confidence to go and approach other children. And then you've got the other extreme, where you've got somebody who is kind of hard to control because they've got so much energy and they're maybe like super excitable. So how do we manage their confidence? So start with the one that doesn't mix very well, the very shy one. How do we get the best? Because I think you can still be very self confident even if you are shy. So how do we get the best out of that child?

Sit down, talk to the child, get to know the child and spend time with them. And if they are shy and don't like lots of people, they might be introverted or just prefer solitary activities or like one-on-one things. And, yeah, I'd say that's pretty much all you can do is let the child take the reins and decide what to do. And yeah, yeah, it's a lot of fun.

You can get up to a lot of fun. Yeah, rather than try and make them something they're not, why aren't you mixing with those children? Why aren't you going into? You know? Look at those children over there. They're all playing. Why aren't you playing with them? Why? Aren't they reading your book.

Yeah, yeah, definitely, and reading a book is definitely nothing wrong with that.

No, that's what I used to do.

Yeah, yeah, and I'll transport you to all kinds of places.

Absolutely.

So that's something that I would encourage rather than try to avoid. But yeah, definitely just get to know them, spend time with them by time, if that's what they prefer, and then eventually they might venture out and do something else.

Yeah.

But if they're allowed to be themselves, then yeah, I think that's the thing, isn't it Just be?

yourself, and if that's what you want to do, then that's fine, yeah yeah, and that will be good for their confidence as well.

Yeah, being allowed to be themselves, no matter whether they fit in with the crowd or not. That's why I love. I just think about her today as well. Tipi longstocking, right, I don't know if I did. I say that quote. Yeah, I've never done that before, so I'll definitely be able to do that.

Yeah.

And also she's such a. She's just a wonderful role model, I think, for Especially for girls, since she's a girl as well, before all kids and adults. She's a bit you know the weird and wonderful. She doesn't fit in society or anything like that, but she's kind, heart, kind. She's the strongest person on the planet, I think, but she does her own thing. She doesn't care what anyone thinks about her, yeah, and sleeps with her feet on the pillow instead of her head. Just, you know weird and wonderful things, but I think she's great in the way that she's showing that you don't have to fit in to be a good person or anything. So, yeah, be yourself. Whether you fit in with the crowd, with everyone else or not, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, so.

I think it's an important, very important message I think everyone needs to hear.

Follow Pippi Longstocking.

Yeah, just be yourself. Be yourself, do what you enjoy doing. As long as you're not harming anyone, you're good.

That's it. And as long as you are happy with what you're doing, you know, I think the red flag would be where you've got somebody who is normally outgoing that suddenly wants to stay in and read books. That might be the red flag, but there's something else going on and again it's not sitting down and talking about it and not trying to push the child into doing something they don't want to do.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely yeah. Giving that definitely would be a bit more aware if that was the case yeah. That might have been triggered by something.

Absolutely yeah, you never know. And so the other side then, where you've got what we would normally term as the naughty child, the one that's more excitable, with more energy how do we do the best for their self-confidence then?

I'd say it's similar. You know, spend time with them Again, child-guided play, let them decide, within reason of course, but maybe some more. You know, go do something more active together, go play sports, or you know something where they can get energy out, and then you use be able to see what they're like and get to know them. I think a lot of parents make the mistake of thinking oh, where are the parents? We know our kids, but we still have to spend time with them and like genuine time with them and to actually get to know them and figure out who they are.

Absolutely yeah because you know they're growing into little characters and you don't really know them until you, like you say, sit down and really have a good conversation with them. Not just one side of it, time after time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely spending time with them and that's how we got to know anyone. And just because my daughter's dad doesn't mean that I automatically know her and know what she likes and you know that changes. So, yeah, that time, love and attention is highly important. I think, absolutely yeah, for both parties.

Yes, yeah, so did we get to the end of the manual for.

That's whether it was anything else? I've so covered the ones that I thought was important. Yeah, there's so much we can do, but just spending time with them, praising their effort and role modelling, confidence ourselves, like, yeah, work on ourselves and our children will pick up on that, yeah, yeah.

So last time we spoke, the best way to contact you, I think, was through Instagram. Is that still the case?

Yeah, still the, still Instagram. Yeah yeah, I haven't set up a new website or anything like that, so Well, clearly you don't need it.

You're doing my last one without it.

Thank you. Yeah, I just keep it simple. Excellent, ok.

And so is there any last message you want to leave, any final words?

I think, just in regards to parenthood and staying on that, I think the most important thing to remember and to know is that our children just need our time, our love and our attention.

Yeah.

Really really give them our role when we're with them. And I know that's difficult to do with a full-time job you might have more than one child and all these things but it doesn't have to be all day every day. If we give them our undivided attention, say for a certain amount of time every day, maybe like 15 minutes or half an hour, then that will mean so much more than three hours of divided attention. So, yeah, time, love and attention. Remember that. And language, yeah, language, yeah. How do we talk to ourselves?

OK and yeah. So if anybody doesn't know Stefan, if you do go on to his Instagram, he does videos. I think every single day you do a video.

I did, I did. There's been actually a bit. I've had a bit of a break now because of the cold and that OK, so I haven't been out recording.

And I know there's lots on there.

Yeah, yeah, there's plenty of stuff to dive into if you feel inclined, and there is some. I've got a couple of videos planned coming up. I just got to record them about where I've been talking about triggers and things like that in life. And yeah, the upcoming ones are about positive triggers, or glimmers as they're actually called. I found out, so I found quite exciting, and how we can create create positive triggers in our life.

Yeah, yeah, excellent. Well, that'll be interesting then, ok. Well, thank you for that Really good conversation. We learned a lot and hopefully that will help some parents out there.

Yeah, thank you again for having me on again. So, yeah, again it was lovely to see you and, yeah, I hope I have someone somewhere picked up something.

I'm sure they will definitely. Yeah, OK thank you then.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for joining us today and I hope you enjoyed the conversation. All contact information is in the show notes for you. Have a lovely week and tune in again next Wednesday. Thank you.